Women Leaving Medicine

A doctor’s despair - not sure what the next step is

[This is a guest post]

I was Googling “women leaving medicine” one day when I was particularly down on myself, and found this site and could not stop reading.  Finding out that I am not the only female physician feeling this way gave me chills. So I thought maybe my story should be out there, too. Maybe to help another female doc in my shoes.

I gave birth in my last year of a tough OB residency. I never thought I’d have kids at all, and then when I met and married the right guy (also in medicine), I knew we would start a family but it would definitely be after my training. Because residency meant devoting myself 100% to the hard work of those four years, and that was all that mattered. Then two funny things happened – my friends began having babies (including some who were residents, though none in my program), and I realized I was spending long hours helping everyone else start their families. So why couldn’t we do the same? So we did. And it was the smartest decision I ever made.

Then it changed my perspective on everything and sent me into the tailspin where I currently am.

I began to see every call shift as time taken away from my little guy and my family. Anytime a case went late I became so ridiculously angry because I had such little time at home, and now even less. I was not much fun to be around. I managed to exclusively breastfeed which meant hours upon hours of pumping (which meant coming in early, and the mental gymnastics of coordinating time to pump in my busy unpredictable schedule), but not without some not-so-subtle disapproval from some attendings. However, I knew this was temporary because graduation was only a few months away. I steeled myself because I figured I could do anything for that length of time - and I did. Graduation was like being released from jail, and the freedom was amazing!

I then smartly took a few months off to enjoy the summer being a mom before starting my first attending job. My husband and I moved across the country. I drank up every last moment of that summer. “You’ll get bored,” said many well-meaning people when hearing how much I loved “just” being a mom. “You only feel that way because you have work to look forward to.” Oh, how wrong they were.

I started back at work a few weeks ago. We sprung for a nanny, which in theory should have eased the transition. It didn’t. My first weekend after working was spent clouded in a deep regret. I oscillated between anger at my hours (I was “part time” – a $20,000 pay cut - at 4 days a week yet routinely got  home after 8pm on OR/L&D days) and the type of sadness where you can’t ever imagine being happy. I sobbed and sobbed as my husband looked at me helplessly (I should mention his outpatient-only hours of 8:30-4pm. He’s not the mom. He’s not the one breastfeeding. Why does he get it so easy??). I started talking about quitting, but we both chalked it up to a new job and a tough adjustment. We figured it would get better.

Sadly it hasn’t. So far every week has been the same – power through the work week (where I enjoy talking to my patients, but don’t get that same level of satisfaction from these interactions that I did pre-baby – is that wrong?), miss at least two bedtimes, make it to my day off on Friday and feel completely happy and satisfied at doing things like doing my son’s laundry, taking him to the library, and making dinner. By Saturday the crying starts again because I realize this is true happiness – being my son’s mother. Unfortunately, Monday is approaching. On Sunday, I am a combination of anger and hopelessness as all I can see is the week ahead and the time with my little boy that I will miss. And repeat. It’s not getting better, but worse.

My husband has been extremely supportive. He’s run the numbers if I quit now, or a year from now. We could make it, but that means less money for retirement, and less wiggle room (the med school loans…oh the thought).  I’ve looked in to some alternative ideas at being in medicine but not this way, and he has cheered me on. But the reality is that I am still leaving my son tomorrow and going to work. It causes me physical ache.

How do you suddenly change how you’ve defined yourself for your whole life? It’s easy when it’s on the big screen or someone else’s life, but when it’s yours it is almost too big to comprehend. I was always the girl who excelled in school, just always knew I’d be a doctor. My parents, neither who graduated high school, never pushed me but always supported me. The day I graduated medical school brought tears to my dad’s eyes – my wedding didn’t even do that! I’m their daughter the doctor. This makes them so proud. How can I take that from them? They come from a world of financial instability, so how could they ever understand my leaving a six-figured job? And to that end, is my selfishness at wanting to “just” be a mom putting my son’s future in jeopardy because we will have less money? How can I face those with whom I trained – won’t they see me as a “waste”? How can I leave my new partners who are nothing but nice and hoping that I stay in the practice as it grows? Worst of all – what if I plod along and by the time I figure it out, my son is grown and I’ve missed all the moments that I am dying to be home for?

I can’t see a way out without losing face. The part that gets me the most is…I chose this. I did this to myself.

Thanks for allowing me the space to write this. It does help.