Quitting medicine was the most difficult decision of my life
[This is a guest post]
I just read your post after stumbling on this site and it sounded “hauntingly familiar.” I had my first son during my 4th year of medical school. Before he was born, I naively set up childcare and thought it would be easy to leave him after he was born. After all, during my 3rd year OB/GYN rotation the residents who had babies left them after just 4 weeks and came back to a grueling schedule. They all seemed fine and even rather proud that they were able to return to work so quickly as if nothing had happened. But after I had my son I fell in love with him. It pained me to leave him every day - not because he wasn’t receiving good care from others, but because I wanted to provide that care. I graduated AOA, was accepted into a dermatology residency and was being mentored for an academic position at my medical school. During my 3rd year rotations I loved seeing patients, working with people and solving a challenging diagnosis but during my internship that all changed. All I wanted to do was finish the work so I could go home and relieve my nanny. I wound up quitting after completing my preliminary year of internal medicine. My son was 2 at the time.
Quitting was the most difficult decision of my life. After all, I chose derm for the great hours and here I was giving up a family friendly specialty to devote myself fully to family. EVERYONE, from the residents at the hospital, fellow classmates to my parents and sister (also an MD) thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life. They said after the reality of my decision sunk in I would regret it.
I’m here to tell you 11 years and 4 more sons later that it was the best decision of my life. Today, being able to focus entirely on family is a luxury few women are able to indulge in - either they truly do have to work for financial reasons or they “think” they have to work because of societal or parental expectations.
If you decide to quit it won’t be easy at first. You will have to have enough confidence in your personal decision to overcome the negative perception our society holds for the “full-time mother.” Nobody at the hospital is going to value your decision to be a mother. But I’ll tell you that many of the women there will secretly wish they had the “balls” to do what you are doing. I talked to so many women physicians with children while I was in school or training to get some idea of what it was like to have children and work. Not one of them had happy stories. They were all full of regret - “I never took any time off and you know, now that my children are older, I don’t know why,” or “I spent many sleepless nights on call wandering through the hospital crying” while my kids were at home. These stories were part of the reason I quit. What sad lives!! And why … … . ??
And don’t listen to the money argument. Money can’t buy time. Being the best mother I can possibly be to my sons is better than anything I could buy them with my six figure salary - and they will confirm that truth if you ask them. By living a more modest lifestyle my husband and I have been able to pay off all my student loans (yes, they were the 100 grand style) and save plenty of money along the way. I have many good friends, also previous professionals - PhD’s, MBA’s, JD’s - who stay home with our children for the time being. We all chose quality of life and investment in our children over the ability to “buy more stuff.” However, we are all privileged because we have professional husbands.
Was our education wasted? I think not. We all actively volunteer at our children’s schools and the children, not just ours, benefit from our education and experience. We’re all still ambitious, just in different ways. Instead of writing medical grants I’ve been writing grants to establish a bird habitat at my son’s school - and been successful!
My youngest son is 2 and I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do when he’s in kindergarten. Maybe I’ll find my way back to medicine. Maybe I’ll start a business. Maybe I’ll get another degree - MPH or MBA. Whatever I choose, medicine will always be there.
I wish you the best of luck. These decisions aren’t easy and they are very personal. You don’t have to stay home forever, and you certainly don’t have to have 5 kids!! There are many paths. You also have to consider you spouse’s needs. I will say that my marriage has only benefited from my decision. Having me at home enables my husband to be a better father. It places our whole family under less stress.
