“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should”
[This is a guest post]
Only you know what you want out of life. I would only offer a cautionary tale because I was 25 when I decided to go to med school, because I thought I would like primary care, helping people, and being a doctor. I was unmarried at the time and didn’t feel like my work as a yoga instructor was quite “enough” to satisfy the critical voice in my head that said I should be doing more with my life.
So I did the 2 years of prereq classes, took the MCAT, got into med school, graduated with an MD, did a year of ER residency, discovered that was more than I could handle, then switched to FM. I am a PGY 3 now with 2 years left to go and I am leaving medicine for good. That’s right, after all that, I’m putting in my 30 days tomorrow. Now let me try to explain why.
At 25 I thought medicine would be a good job for me because I could do it part time and hopefully get married and have kids at some point, though the man and the kids were not in the picture when I started this journey. I gravity of what I was doing didn’t dawn on me til much, much later, after I met the man (a surgeon, then resident, now attending), got married, got pregnant, became a mom, then got pregnant a second time and realized I was in way over my head. It’s not as easy to work part time when you’re done as it seems, that is, and still make enough money to cover malpractice insurance, overhead, etc. But that’s not the most difficult part. Medicine (at least for me) takes the very best I have to give. The patients, with their never-ending litany of complaints, are challenging. Especially since so many of the chronic diseases so prevalent in our country are so improved by things like diet changes, exercise—things 99% of my patients are simply unwilling to do. So it’s frustrating. To say the least.
Yes, there are good days. I’ve even saved a few lives here an there. I’ve for sure helped people; I take my job seriously and I work hard for my patients. Some of them I really, really care about and I will miss. But the toll it’s taking on my family is too great. I work a minimum of sixty hours a week, sometimes its’ seventy, eighty, the max has been 110. You cannot imagine the toll this takes on you, your loved ones, your children. My daughter lives at her Grandma’s and cries when I take her home. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce. We are, in the words of Carrie Fisher, two flowers, no gardener. No one is minding the relationship, the home or the life. Something has to give.
I signed up for this. I wanted this at one point, however whimsical and uninformed I was when I started. People tried to tell me how hard it would be, but in truth I don’t think you really get it until you experience it yourself.
The brutal part of it is that I don’t see the lives of my female attendings getting better. They work hard, really hard. They make all kinds of sacrifices for their job. Some seem happy. Others don’t. It depends on how badly you want this life. But I can tell you one thing: I did not dream of being a doctor as a little girl. My family is full of physicians, so the absence of the dream cannot be attributed to lack of exposure. I wanted to be a writer, a dancer, a mom. I still do! What I’ve learned at 33 is that I’m the same girl I was then—it’s just taken me this long to “be okay” with who I am and what I want out of life. There’s a saying my husband likes to offer: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Truer words for me were never spoken. I am smart, diligent, hard working, sensitive, a good listener. I am a very good resident and would probably make a good attending. I would probably help a lot of people. But at the cost of myself and who I’m truly meant to be.
So I’m moving on from medicine. It’s taboo, practically forbidden to discuss let alone act on. It’s taken me years to come to this, but it’s time. Looking back, I’m not sorry I did all I did to get here, but if I could talk to my 25 year old self, I’d beg her to work more on self-acceptance and let go of the fierce need to prove to the world that I was good enough.
I don’t know if that helps you. It’s just my story. Best of luck, whatever you decide:)
ShivysMom78
